Waving Goodbye. Again?

Wait a minute. What is this, 2007? No, it isn't and yet I'm starting to have that same heartache I was experiencing two summers ago when I was first preparing to send my youngest daughter off to college.

College. It's the first major break in the parent/child connection and unless you have a graduate who moves back home and refuses to budge, the first of the final steps out the door. And I only rarely meet a parent who doesn't feel a yank on the heartstrings as they start to pack up their spawn for the move.

That was me two years ago. I was, officially, a basketcase. You can ask anyone who knows me and even people who don't. I couldn't stop repeating it "my daughter's starting college in September" as if saying it to my family, my friends, women standing behind me in line at KMart or even all alone in the house, would make it real, normal. But even though it's totally and really normal, the natural progression of having babies and knowing their destiny is to grow up and move on, it can't help but break your heart.

The good news is that I adjusted within the first few weeks, stopped planning my day around school and after-school activities, stopped worrying about what I'd make for dinner, stopped having to pick up the trail of the teen... And I learned to appreciate the upside of the empty nest; less cooking, less cleaning and way more free time. I was going to be okay.

But here it is, 2009, and I feel like I'm back at square one. Catherine's going to Ireland for her fall semester and I'm running into a wall of emotion. What???

I guess this is the next step. Two years of driving her up to Massachusetts and kissing her goodbye. Now I'll be taking her to JFK and watching her fly off thousands of miles away for the next four months. I tell myself that she'll be back before I know it. We'll get webcams and Skype and then I'll see her just as much as I do now as she comes and goes in the spin of her summer social swirl.
But I bought her Aer Lingus ticket the other day and it triggered an onslaught of stress and sadness- which doesn't even have anything to do with the money this is costing.

I have to get a grip. I have to beat down this wall of sadness, this sometimes overwhelming tidal wave of melancholy washing over me. I have to look on the bright side. She'll go off on her big international adventure and I'll say goodbye to the kitchen and the vacuum cleaner... She'll take another giant step toward her ultimate independence and I'll have more time to curl up on the couch with a book or Project Runway reruns. If I can focus on that, if I can add a Hostess cupcake and a cold glass of milk to that picture, if I can just remember that I was okay before, I'll be okay again.

Ever read the book "The Prophet"? There was a passage, "Your children are not your children..." The concept that they come through you but not for you, slayed me and stayed with me. Even as I was laying in wait for the first time I'd hold my baby in my arms, I knew it was true that I would raise my children to leave. I guess seeing her pack for Ireland should make me feel like I did my job well.

So here I am, working at focusing on how proud I am of her nerve and independence while trying to tamp down the free-floating anxiety of separation. In one hand, I'm a proud mom waving goodbye, in the other hand I've got the Kleenex.

They’re setting up the tent and wheeling out stacks of chairs over at the football field at Riverhead High School. Just a week to go before the graduation ceremony of the Class of 2009.

That makes it just six-days shy of two-years past watching Catherine, in the long line of her capped and gowned fellow grads, parading across the field en route to her next chapter.

As I drove past the field this week, it triggered that memory as well as the following year, this time both of us watching her best friend Allyson lead the parade, take the podium and charm the crowd as Valedictorian.

This year, I have no reason to attend. And only the sense memory of the Big Day 2007 to contend with.

I do want to say, for the record, and for anyone who's panicking at the prospect of packing up their child and sending 'em off to that first chapter in their independent lives… it gets better. I wouldn’t have believed anyone at the time I was facing the fear of letting go, but for what it’s worth, it’s true. You make the adjustments, you begin your own new life and you adapt.

I had to break the habit of watching the clock. I had to adjust to afternoons coming and going without having to pick up or drop off. I found a way to handle the empty seat at the table (eating from a TV tray is a lovely option). And oddly, as long as we were checking in with text messages, notes on Facebook or even the occasional phone call, I managed the transition to my new part-time status pretty well. Plus there are those hidden benefits. Less laundry, no more having to remind them to pick up and/or put away whatever, smaller food and electric bills (not to mention the energy you save not nagging them about turning off the lights when they leave thier room). And then there's free time and that's pretty fabulous!

Just when I thought I had it all handled beautifully, I'm blindsided by a new plan. This fall, Catherine heads into her third college year. And this fall, she’s going way beyond her Massachusetts campus (a ferry ride and 90 minutes from home). This time, Catherine is going to Ireland, realizing a long held dream of studying abroad.

How will I ever handle it?

I have it all figured out. We'll stay up-to-date on Facebook and, in lieu of the cell and texting, we’ll frequent Skype (www.Skype.com) for free Trans-Atlantic phone calls! Plus, I’ve got the TV tray ready. And I’m thinking that if I leave the stereo and all the lights on in her room… and leave a couple of towels and some dirty laundry trailing down the stairs… maybe I can just pretend she’s really still here. Or I can turn it all off, clean it all up and appreciate the yin and yang of being a parent.

Preparing for the Empty Nest

Just like when they were little children and wanted candy before dinner, the art of distraction is still the best defense as you send them away to college. 

Only now it’s you that needs to be distracted. Because while your child is preparing for an exciting new life without you, let’s face it... you’re looking ahead to your same old life only without them. And it can make you feel a teensy bit emotional or it can make you want to hurl yourself into rush hour traffic. 

 So, here are a few suggestions to help you cope instead of mope. The previously mentioned distraction along with positive reinforcement will be your best tools. It’s just like parenting, only this time you’re taking care of yourself. 

Try to plug into the excitement. Remember how you felt going to college or take in a movie that reflects that sense of independence and discovery like “Good Will Hunting”, “Mona Lisa Smile” even “Legally Blonde” or that one with Peter Lawford, June Allyson and that great dance number. But not “Animal House”. That’ll make your palms sweat. But you get the idea... 

Plan something fun for the fall. Having something to look forward to will make you feel better about the future. Hopefully it’ll be something that involves a little research (a trip of some sort, buying a new something or other) so that you can bury yourself in books and online when you really need a distraction. 

Get back in touch with an old friend or two from college, high school or even grade school. This way you can relive your own school adventures while re-bonding with someone who shared it with you. Again, (see number 1), it’ll help you plug into how much your child has to look forward to and at the same time provide you with a friendly distraction. 

Talk to other college moms, not so much because misery loves company but for the mutual support and helping each other keep it all in perspective. Plus, it’ll keep you off the streets. Take a class. Go on. Your child is on their way to a world of new experiences. Isn’t it time you learned something new? If you need some ideas, think of things you always wanted to do and then pick one to learn or master. Play guitar, pick up a sketch pad, learn yoga. Adding a little color to your life can be a magical thing. And activity is a great distraction. 

Write it down. While it’s good to talk with a close friend, there is something therapeutic about spilling your guts at the computer or with a pen and paper. You don’t have to save it, although it’s great to be able to go back and see where you’ve been and compare it to where you’ve gotten. Just get it all out. 

Redecorate. Not like that commercial where the mom and dad drop their son off at and rush home from to turn his bedroom into their office. This could be as simple as a new paint color or just rearranging the furniture, but it might be nice if the absence of your child wasn’t the only thing different. A new look can help you feel like change is good. 

Enjoy the difference. Suddenly you find your schedule wide open. There’s no play practice or music lessons or even dinner to make. Look on the bright side. Think of the gas money you’ll save not to mention the luxury of free time. Try sleeping in on the weekend, go to dinner during the week, play music really loud (ya rebel!), curl up with a good book and don’t put it down UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE IT!! For all that time you’ve juggled, rushed, fretted, stressed, sacrificed and wished for five minutes peace... you’ve made it. 

Congratulations on a job well done. And now it’s back to being your life now. Enjoy it.

The Big Gulp

If this was Jeopardy, that would be the answer to 'What I do everytime I find myself getting choked up".

Which is very often these days. Or maybe the Jeopardy answer would be "Like Living in a Hallmark Card" the winning question being "What's it like getting ready to have your last child graduating and getting ready for college?"

You know the feeling well, don't you?

We've seen the college, attended the family seminar titled "From Parent to Partner" (Yeah, thanks and now I'm all set to step aside and go from mother to pal. Uh huh.)

I'm losing sleep, tossing and turning about how she'll do and how she'll be living OUT THERE. And when I do get to sleep, I'm fraught with bad dreams about the school and the new life and then I wake up overcome with feelings of fear and some sadness. And all the time, in my waking life, I'm telling her how proud I am of her and how happy and excited I am that she's moving on to this next chapter. (I leave out the 'without me' part).

Does this sound too pitiful?? Too self-indulgent? Damn straight. But just for now... I know I can't escape the inevitable and that really, truly it is a GOOD thing... It's just taking a while to adjust to....

And since I'm not the only one going through this, I invite you to share how you're feeling. After all, maybe you're doing just great! Stupendous!! Marvelous!! In which case, you'll be an excellent example for those of us who are, shall we say, struggling a bit. Or a lot.

So, take a big gulp and tell us- how is it for you?